There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
