fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
