I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
