I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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