Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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