its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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