i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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