her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
