I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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