I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
