come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
