I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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