i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
