chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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