thus making me awesome and them whores
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I need a burrito and a hug.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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