so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
