I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
