I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
