I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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