I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
