Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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