I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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