First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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