Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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