i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
