she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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