I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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