on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
