why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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