Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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