Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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