I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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