Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
