May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
