butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
