On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
