i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
