Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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