Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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