My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize