I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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