If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
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