if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
