Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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