I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
