im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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