that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
apparently the secret to your success is patron
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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