i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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