My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
