My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
