I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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