Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
if only i could text you this smell
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
