She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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