Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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