just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i can't believe i had my finger in that
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
