I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
