this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My vagina just recognized that song.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
