i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
