I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
